Rock Bottom

Last night I hit my rock-bottom. As I came home from work (and one useless night at the club that was), I washed up, ate, watched TV and lay down to go to sleep. As to be expected I couldn't fall asleep. I spent 3 hours trying to fall asleep, with my eye mask on, ear plugs in, sound machine on (why do I need it if I have ear plugs?), however sleep didn't come. I got up, seriously upset about yet again not getting my rest, took Xanax (that used to help me with falling asleep and staying asleep a little bit longer) and went back to bed. Same routine: eye mask, ear plugs, sound machine. No sleep. Got up again. It was morning already. I had big plans for the day- was going to meet up with S at the art museum and see an exhibition; maybe nice French bakery on the way; dinner in my fav restaurant later. Instead, here I was- sleep deprived, delirious, tired and uninterested. I started crying hysterically. S woke up, even though he was sleeping in the other room behind 2 sets of closed doors, and came to comfort me, bur all was useless. All I wanted to do is to get to my bottle of Xanax and take all the little pills so I didn't have to go through another one of sleepless nights after work, and zombie-like, entirely empty and unproductive days after. This has been happening to me too often. This scenario repeats itself every night that I come home from work. It takes me 3 hours to fall asleep (first I try it without pills, then get up and pop a Xanex or an Ambien), then 4 hours of sleep (or less) and I am up to do nothing all day. Nothing, but sit around on the sofa, wrapped up in my old white bathrobe, and watch Desperate Housewives for hours and hours at a time. Tired, comatose, uninterested. Does this life worth living?
I make between $2K-$2.5K working 3 nights a week, but do I enjoy any of the money? I surely spend a lot of money: just to think about all the energy and money I spend on trying to look good! My monthly hair and skin appointments cost me a fortune, so I keep on looking young. I work out religiously, often unwillingly, so my body stays in top shape. But what's the point? Do I get to enjoy my whipped into shape body? Do I have smooth, porcelain-like skin? NO! I look like an ugly zombie most of the time: my eyes are always red and puffed up, my skin is ashy gray, may hair is limp... I have lots of expensive nice clothes- but where do I ever get to wear it? No interest in dressing up, no energy for that. Old pair of jeans for going out, old sweatpants to stay in... I love art- but when did I last go to see a play or an art exhibition? My life is worthless. I think I hit the very bottom...
Wouldn't I be better off living in the outskirts of my city, paying half the mortgage I am paying now, owning no labels, driving a Honda, but working in an office, sleeping every night, having down-to-earth friends, having an always functioning brain, keeping interested?

First Dilemma of 2010

So it's pretty dead at work, first week of 2010. It's understandable though, people are recovering from the holiday season. Not like they partied that hard this particular season; the club was almost consistently empty-ish throughout the whole month of December. I did manage to meet the only fat goose that came by last night. I didn't make a killing with this one, but he still was pretty generous for a guy who didn't drink much and had no interest in neither cookies nor naughty stuff. Not like I volunteered to provide him with either, however I did offer to organize it. What a bad girl I am, honestly... Anyway, the guy had his one hour of squeaky-clean, wholesome fun, distributed his fat little bonuses to me and my girlfriend (we didn't even ask for it!), and suggested to make plans next week to meet up outside. So here is the dilemma: from what I know of that goose- he is pretty-pretty-pretty loaded. How do I play it so to keep the goose happy and myself nice and spotless?

Bye-Bye 2009

So it's a beginning of the new year and time for New Year's resolutions. My resolution is to take it easy, dance-wise. It has gotten out of hands by the very end of 2009. Not that I worked so much more, but I certainly had much more intense nights. Last 3-4 weeks of 2009 turned out extremely profitable, but also mentally challenging. Every night I met a new group of customers easily persuadable to become no-good. Cookies? Hell yes! Yummy shots of tequila? Yes, please. 4 bottles of $700+ champagne? Why not?! More girls? Yes!! How about one more? Why not?! Credit card maxed out? Try another one. Another one has been maxed out since 3 hours ago? Here is another one... In other words- excellent 3-4 weeks for my finances, horrible for my state of mind. It's been at least a month since I have been able to fall asleep without Ambien/Xanax. My housekeeping hasn't been entirely neglected only thanks to my cleaning lady. Haven't been cooking, haven't read any quality literature, haven't enjoyed any aspects of my life. All I have been thinking/dreaming/hearing about was money. Money-money-money-money. Then drug-induced sleep. Then few hours of Desperate Housewives of Some County.. I am almost hyperventilating while writing about it now. So it is time to take it easy and breathe.