Last night I hit my rock-bottom. As I came home from work (and one useless night at the club that was), I washed up, ate, watched TV and lay down to go to sleep. As to be expected I couldn't fall asleep. I spent 3 hours trying to fall asleep, with my eye mask on, ear plugs in, sound machine on (why do I need it if I have ear plugs?), however sleep didn't come. I got up, seriously upset about yet again not getting my rest, took Xanax (that used to help me with falling asleep and staying asleep a little bit longer) and went back to bed. Same routine: eye mask, ear plugs, sound machine. No sleep. Got up again. It was morning already. I had big plans for the day- was going to meet up with S at the art museum and see an exhibition; maybe nice French bakery on the way; dinner in my fav restaurant later. Instead, here I was- sleep deprived, delirious, tired and uninterested. I started crying hysterically. S woke up, even though he was sleeping in the other room behind 2 sets of closed doors, and came to comfort me, bur all was useless. All I wanted to do is to get to my bottle of Xanax and take all the little pills so I didn't have to go through another one of sleepless nights after work, and zombie-like, entirely empty and unproductive days after. This has been happening to me too often. This scenario repeats itself every night that I come home from work. It takes me 3 hours to fall asleep (first I try it without pills, then get up and pop a Xanex or an Ambien), then 4 hours of sleep (or less) and I am up to do nothing all day. Nothing, but sit around on the sofa, wrapped up in my old white bathrobe, and watch Desperate Housewives for hours and hours at a time. Tired, comatose, uninterested. Does this life worth living?
I make between $2K-$2.5K working 3 nights a week, but do I enjoy any of the money? I surely spend a lot of money: just to think about all the energy and money I spend on trying to look good! My monthly hair and skin appointments cost me a fortune, so I keep on looking young. I work out religiously, often unwillingly, so my body stays in top shape. But what's the point? Do I get to enjoy my whipped into shape body? Do I have smooth, porcelain-like skin? NO! I look like an ugly zombie most of the time: my eyes are always red and puffed up, my skin is ashy gray, may hair is limp... I have lots of expensive nice clothes- but where do I ever get to wear it? No interest in dressing up, no energy for that. Old pair of jeans for going out, old sweatpants to stay in... I love art- but when did I last go to see a play or an art exhibition? My life is worthless. I think I hit the very bottom...
Wouldn't I be better off living in the outskirts of my city, paying half the mortgage I am paying now, owning no labels, driving a Honda, but working in an office, sleeping every night, having down-to-earth friends, having an always functioning brain, keeping interested?
Crash - 24" x 18", oil on canvas
3 weeks ago